Mystery Girl ((Crackpair))
by Unaltered
Summary: Lovino keeps seeing Mystery Girl everywhere. Running away from murderers, asking his opinion on his preference of frilly panties, possibly attempting to stab him...EVERYWHERE. Also she's kind of hot, and since Lovino is single and lonely, he wants to get to know her. (Romano x Belarus crack))


Lovino was having a bad day even before he was chased by possible assassins.

His alarm clock didn't sound, he was late again to work and got fired, and this girl whom he asked out on a date hasn't shown up yet. He was currently sitting on his motorcycle, helmet balanced in his lap and staring sullenly at the bright lights of the restaurant. He'd reserved a table for two yesterday, scheduled for six o'clock. It was now six thirty, and his hopes were dwindling.

Angrily adjusting his tie, Lovino considered waiting for another fifteen minutes before bailing. He should've known it was too good to be true-a pretty, busty blonde with bright blue eyes like that just _happened_ to have said yes when he just met her? He must've hallucinated it or something. Why are the hot ones always imaginary?

It was at this moment that Lovino heard a strange noise. It sounded like a frantic _clickclickclickclick,_ and he'd recognized those clicks anywhere from his previous job of working at a women's clothing store-the sound of high heels. Turning his head, his heart soared at the thought that maybe she had just been running late and was definitely not imaginary, and was running to meet him now-

Instead, he saw a tall girl, much taller than the one he had asked out, with platinum hair in an elegant bun, a poofy dress and high heeled boots racing his way. Despite her pretty outfit, her face looked downright terrifying, and there were five men chasing her, all wielding knives and taser-like objects that definitely didn't look friendly. Lovino would _definitely_ not want to get on the bad side of those guys.

Staring, transfixed, Lovino watched her get closer, eyes staring at the street straight ahead, the skirt of her dress puffing up and down and revealing her pale legs every so often. Then, a split second later, she careened towards him like a bull, and Lovino almost had a heart attack.

Slamming herself down onto the seat behind him, she shoved her heels into his sides and screamed "DRIVE, JUST FUCKING DRIVE" as the men barreled towards them, determined looks on their faces. Lovino didn't need telling twice-he kicked the kickstand back into place and they roared forward, nearly crashing into the car in front of them.

The woman wrapped her arms tightly around his waist as they sped forward, and Lovino's helmet flew out of his lap and tumbled away. Great. As if they weren't expensive enough.

He made to turn the next street, but the woman gripped his shoulders extremely tightly and screeched, "DON'T GO STRAIGHT AHEAD! DON'T!"

"I-" Lovino said, but he saw the men chasing behind them, now on motorcycles of their own, and cursed. Well fuck him sideways and call him Shelia. What even. Why was this happening? He just wanted a date.

So Lovino rolled through the streets, following the woman's every screeching command. Eventually he found himself right back where he started, but there were no men in sight. Lovino was pretty sure his face had frozen into a permanent look of _'oh shit there are weird men following me'_ because without his helmet, the cold wind had hit his face like a pile of bricks. The woman loosened her grip around his waist and-what was the word for it?- _flounced_ away.

Literally.

"Excuse me!" Lovino called after her, sliding off his back and stumbling after her (after making sure the kickstand was in place), _"Excuse me_ , miss, I-"

She turned the corner and disappeared from sight. Lovino gave a long, drawn-out sigh, before noticing that one of the men who had been chasing him, looking quite dejected, was currently dragging his feet across the street, head down. He might've been crying. Lovino couldn't tell, and he didn't want to know.

Without any other thought about the woman, Lovino jumped onto his bike and roared away, not willing to face him, or any one of them, again.

* * *

The second time Lovino saw the woman, he was shopping for underwear.

He had rushed into the store, because _god damn it_ Feliciano had used his again (when you and your brother had the same underwear size and your younger brother kept borrowing yours because his was missing, it left you _pissed off_ ) and he was browsing for the right kind when a finger tapped his shoulder.

He turned, ready to find maybe a store manager asking him a question, or an elderly woman or man in need of assistance (he wasn't sure why but they flocked to him like he was a magnet for old people? Like why. Please. Does he look friendly or something? He needs to get that checked.) and he was not expecting to see her, from a week ago, standing there and holding up a bra to her chest.

"I need a man's opinion," She said, platinum hair pulled back in a sloppy and yet elegant ponytail (could that even be a thing?) dressed in an over sized black sweatshirt and jean shorts in an outfit that shouldn't work at all (Lovino knew his fashion, okay?) but it did. She was holding a frilly pink bra to her chest, and frilly pink panties to her groin, and Lovino didn't know whether to find it mildly sexy or mildly scandalous, because this was a _lady_ , for crying out loud.

"I-I-" Lovino stammered, but she was now switching out the pink bra and panties for purple ones, and Lovino suddenly couldn't look her in the face anymore.

"I need a man's opinion in approximately seven seconds, and then I have to run," The woman's cool, flat voice said, and Lovino clenched the package of underwear tightly to his chest, as if to shield himself from an oncoming panty attack, "Purple or pink?"

"P-pink," Lovino stuttered, and when he looked up, she was gone, though he saw a head of platinum hair ducking outside the shop.

* * *

He saw her again that night, but it was only a glimpse. At a club, dressed in his suit and taking sips of wine, feeling torn between crying in a puddle of his own suffering and celebrating the fact that he'd been enjoying a few weeks of not working. Lovino's only really here because he's enjoying his last few days of 'freedom'. He's got a job interview at a tailor ship tomorrow evening and he's out enjoying himself. That, and his brother's boyfriend's brother is playing guitar tonight and Feliciano dragged him out here tonight to watch him play, but Gilbert isn't even on stage yet and Lovino's just enjoying himself for now.

He noticed her out of the corner of his eyes, a pale shape sliding down the stairs. Lovino turned his head to see the tall, slim figure of Mystery Girl, hair in a perfect braid, wearing the frilly pink bra, panties, and hiking boots. The boots didn't fit at all with her outfit, and neither did the PB&J sandwich in her hand, but she ducked outside the backdoor, and at that moment Feliciano tugged his arm and pointed at Gilbert, who was setting up on stage, so Lovino momentarily forgot about her.

* * *

The fourth time Lovino saw Mystery Girl was once again, a glimpse, though this time he made eye contact.

Once again at the store, though this time just trying to buy apples (Feliciano had begged him to make apple pie, _why was he so easy to walk over?_ ) he reached across to grab a nice, ripe-looking one, but bumped hands with someone.

Glancing up, Lovino's heart froze when he saw her, her hair pinned back by like a hundred million fucking butterfly berets, dressed in a skirt and a halter top. It looked really weird and really uncomfortable, but as soon as she saw him she turned around and raced away.

Lovino wished he knew who the hell she was.

* * *

Lovino started wondering if she was either an angel that always showed up to remind him that he was getting closer to death, or a demon coming to terrorize him. Either way, the fifth time Lovino saw Mystery Girl, was three weeks after he got his new job, and this time it was at a restaurant.

He was wearing a long-sleeved button-up, his sleeves a bit loose, arm resting on the table, leaning forward and talking with Feliciano ( _no_ , Feliciano, we _can't_ get a puppy) when-

 _BAM!_

A knife was slammed down on the loose fabric of his sleeve, successfully sticking his shirt (and arm) to the table. Looking up, fearful for his life, Lovino was faced with an angry woman, and that was number three on Lovino's list of terrors.

"Why are you following me?" Mystery Girl hissed, leaning close to Lovino's face. Lovino's eyes widened and he opened his mouth, all the while tugging his sleeve away from the knife, but she slammed another one down on his sleeve, and now there were two knives stuck in his shirt, and Lovino was vaguely aware this reminded of him of a movie scene from something.

"I'm not-I don't-Follow you," Lovino said stupidly, because she is very pretty and also there's a third knife in her hand. She was dressed in a long-sleeved black shirt with one of the sleeves ripped off, skinny jeans, and pink plastic high-tops. Her hair was threaded with ribbon and she once again, looked weird and out-of-place.

Mystery Girl slammed the third knife down on his sleeve, straightened up, squinting at him, before turning around, jumping over a table, and racing away. At that moment, an angry-looking man with the remains of a spaghetti lunch splattered on his face stormed out of the kitchen, saw her platinum hair whipping around the corner, and stomped after her with a look of pure _murder_ on his face.

Feliciano was sobbing from fear and Lovino struggled to yank the knives out of the table and out of his sleeve.

* * *

After that, Lovino started carrying a Sharpie with him everywhere, and it came in good use, because barely a week after this incident, he ran into her _again._

This shit was getting old.

She was dressed more comfortably than he had ever seen her-a casual, generic black band t-shirt, a skirt with tights beneath, boots, and her hair worn loose, with a bow. Best of all, her arms were totally free and visible.

So when all of a sudden, a hand slammed him to the wall by his throat, and he found himself once again face to face with Mystery Girl, the first thing Lovino did?

Reach into his pocket, take his sharpie out, bite the cap off with his teeth, turn his head, and awkwardly scribble his number on the inside of her arm while she watched with a quirked eyebrow. It was a stupid move, yes, but she didn't slice his hand off, so that was definitely a sign.

"We've got to stop fucking meeting like this," Lovino told her as he spat the sharpie cap out of his mouth, and she stared back at him in bewilderment. That's when she looked up, cursed, and spun around, racing away.

Lovino was convinced she was either a CIA agent or worse. Possibly a Russian assassin. Whatever it was, her accent was _kinda_ hot.

* * *

For the next eight days, Lovino kept diving for his phone every time it rang. Each time was met with disappointment, but it was lucky hardly anybody called him anyways. Antonio wanted to hang out Saturday, fine. Alfred wanted him to come over, well, only if he had food. Lovino tried to occupy himself by keeping himself as busy as possible, conversing with everyone he knew as much as he could and even going over to Alfred's house three days in a row (his life and stomach were both full of regrets).

Everybody else wondered why Lovino was suddenly being social and friendly with them, but in truth, Lovino was just trying not to think of Mystery Girl.

She was a damn knock-out, that was for sure. Beautiful, with pale skin, platinum blonde hair that basically rocked any hairstyle, intense eyes and what seemed like a straightforward personality.

Yeah. Lovino liked straightforward women. They didn't try to be vague about shit. And maybe he also had a thing for dangerous women. Both is good.

So on Monday evening, when his phone rang and he lazily picked it up, half-expecting Bella or Antonio to be on the other line, he was met with a surprise.

"Hello. You left your number on my arm. Why."

"Oh great here you are talking to me I thought I was fucking insane and only hallucinating you wow holy shit," Lovino breathed out. He wasn't that nervous, really. He'd been anticipating this all week, and now it was a bit anticlimactic. Maybe more of a "This is me, I think you're hot, let's run away together" with a few explosions in the background.

He's probably been dreaming about her for far too long.

"I see you repeatedly, and strangers don't just see each other over and over again like that. You're always doing weird things. Probably dangerous things. Who are you?" Lovino asked, and was glad he was so patient when it came with women, because if he was talking to his brother he'd probably end up screaming and cursing his mouth off. Maybe angrily waving his arms around.

There was a pause, and he could almost see the intensity in her eyes.

"Meet me outside your house."

Then she hung up.

Bewildered (and now a little scared), Lovino got to his feet and slowly opened his front door, and sure enough, there Mystery Girl was, standing there in ruffled-looking blue pajamas.

"So..." Lovino trailed off, "You know where I live."

Mystery Girl raised an eyebrow, and yeah, it was definitely sexy. The sleeve of her right arm was rolled up, showing smudged ink from the sharpie. Wow. She hand't scrubbed it off or anything. Lovino's heart fluttered. He'd been dreaming about this. Literally.

When you're a single man and a hot chick keeps fluttering in and out of your life, it was hard to get some sleep.

"You know, you're kind of cute," She finally mumbled, and squinting at him, before saying, "But if you turn your head this way..."

She cocked her head to the side, still squinting, as if studying an interesting specimen. Or, possibly, her next target to kill.

"Yep, you're still a shithead." She said.

"Is that the nicest compliment I'll get from you?" Lovino asked, raising an eyebrow back. Mystery Girl shrugged, with a look of 'Huh, probably'on her face.

"Can I ask your name?" Lovino asked, and Mystery Girl shrugged once again, before saying,

"It's Natalia."

"Well, Natalia," Lovino said, gesturing towards his house, "Why don't you come inside and tell me about yourself?"

 _Please say yes you're hot and I want to be on your good side because I think if I don't get on your good side you'll kill me._

"Food," Natalia said after a while, "Food is a required fee to pay."

"I have pasta," Lovino countered.

"Works for me."

* * *

 **i don't know what this is help**


End file.
